This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad. Psalm 118:24. Chapter 20. Heartbreaks in the Family.
Your Highness, many families suffer needless, very painful and cutting heartbreaks because some parents unknowingly have their priorities tragically confused. They want their children's love to sustain them and then turn their hearts on them when they (the parents) feel they are not loved properly. This misplaced expectation causes terrible heartbreaks for the parents and for the children. Why? Because it is the children who need to be sustained by their parents' love.
Such parents are persons who quite simply do not love themselves or each other- a sign that they do not have a childlike relationship with our dear Lord. If they did, their Love would well and overflow into the hearts of their children. The children would then find the love they need in their parents, where they expect it.
It is they (the parents) as Monarchs in the Kingdom of God who have the divine mandate to channel God's Love, forgiveness and understanding through them to their children. This, parents do quite naturally if they themselves live as God's children. If children do not find this life-giving Food (God's Love) at home, they will instinctively seek it elsewhere- it is indispensable for their survival.
To make matters worse, over and above all their other problems, these Love starved children still have to learn where our dear Lord fits in their lives. Life will be one needlessly long perilous journey. Precious years, opportunities for being truly alive will be lost. They should have met their heavenly Father at home, in their parents' Love for each other, as His children in Christ Jesus.
To these parents, I urge you to find in our dear Lord, in each other and together, the Love that your King has for each of you. Your human hearts must be aflame with Love for Jesus, who has shown you how much He loves you and how singularly special you are to Him. Then you will happily love yourself, when you see how special you are as His son or as His daughter. Now, your Love for each other (incredible treasure that the Other is in your life) will give your children the Love and Life they need to grow and blossom. Why? Because your love for each other will be rooted in your heavenly King's love for each of you. Spousal Love for the other is true Love, when rooted in the peace and security of their Father's Love for them. If children do not receive the life giving milk of their King's love through their parents, a Love they so desperately need, they will (and must) look for it elsewhere.
It is impossible for a sick organ to contribute to the health of the body. A healthy body is what will heal the sick organ. A parent who is spiritually ill, cannot bring Love and Life to the family. The Body of Christ (Church) must heal the sick member first; then, he or she can bring a healthy Love and a healthy Life to spouse, children, members of the community and to other parts of the Body.
Because of their instincts for survival, children know if their parents have real Love or not. They simply cannot survive in a nest where Love is faked or nonexistent or artificially fabricated or hypocritical. Such a love does not come from their parents (who are there for them in God's name) but from strangers. Our King tells us that the reason His sheep follow Him as their shepherd is that they know His voice, and "They never follow a stranger but run away from him: they do not recognize the voice of strangers." (1)
From the moment of their conception, children need to grow on real Love, God's Love, given to them through their parents, not on something else given to them by strangers. How is this done? The following text from Father John C. Haughey's book, "The Conspiracy of God, the Holy Spirit in Us." says it best:
"Peter had to be asked three times about his love of Jesus because being a practical man he probably was focusing on the tangible, the manner, the efforts that would have to be made to do the work of pasturing the lambs and sheep. But what Jesus is teaching him by His repeated questioning is that lambs and sheep will be fed, not by Peter's concern for them nor by his service of them but by his believing love of Christ Jesus. He had to be asked three times in order to finally focus on what it was that would be service Kingdom-style. He is not being commanded to love, he is being asked whether he does. To the degree that he does, the sheep are led, the lambs are fed. The degree of Jesus' presence to him and his presence to Jesus is the way the sheepfold will be safe and the sheep pastured. This illumines the passage in Ezechiel 34:11-16, about the manner and immediacy of God's presence in the new dispensation.
'Thus says the Lord God: I myself will look after and tend my sheep. As a shepherd tends his flock, so I will tend my sheep. I myself will pasture them, shepherding them rightly.'
Jesus is not relinquishing His function to Peter and the others. He is describing the manner of His presence. Through Peter's love of him and others' love of him, a flock would be gathered and pastured." (End of quotation.)
Neither is Jesus relinquishing His function to parents. He is describing the manner of His presence. Through the parent's love of Him, the children will be gathered and pastured.
[Christ's sheep can only be looked after and tended to, can only be pastured- by Christ Himself. This He will do if those He has called to minister with Him love Him with their whole heart, with their whole soul and with their whole mind. Each minister in Jesus' holy service, celibate or married, must answer His question with, "Yes, Lord I love you. You know I love you. Help me to love you more and more." Only then can one help Jesus tend HIS flock.]
Sweethearts in marriage can minister in God's holy service, hand in hand, heart to heart, by loving Jesus together, that He their Lord and their God may "tend His sheep (His children) and pasture them." What greater security can two hearts in love have, than to know that the King of Kings watches over them and their family? This is the way the family is blessed, the Church is built, and how the Kingdom of God becomes visible on this earth.
[Whatever else parents need to love their children, information and experience are indispensable. To be competent in anything you need good information and good experience. The more information you have, the better your experience will be. Good information begins with our dear Lord, His Church and the Holy Spirit- all available to you through the parish, prayer, the example of others and good books. Since all first-time parents are necessarily without personal experience, obviously they need a great deal of information to minister this area of their marriage.]
20.2 Right and Wrong.
Your Highness, what do most heartbreaks have in common? They were caused by persons who live by the rule of “right” and “wrong.” Persons living by the rule of right and wrong usually consider everything they do as right and everything the other does as wrong. They are always right because they make the rules. Such persons have replaced a loving relationship with a judicial one. Why have they done this? Very simple, they do not know how to love. That is why they live by their code instead of love, God’s code. Love knows no rule. Love simply loves. Right or wrong has nothing to do with love. Right and wrong are rules for someone's notion of correctness. Such correctness is the enemy of goodness. “I have noticed limitations to all perfection, but your commandment has no limits at all.” (2) Prompts that divide or separate persons from one another do not come from the Holy Spirit. Your Highness, would you like to see the difference between a perfectionist and a good person?
20.3 The perfectionist.
A father comes home from work at the end of the day. His son waits at the door to greet him. His clothes are clean and his shoes shine. The father arrives. The son stands at attention, shakes his father's hand politely and says:
20.4 The good person.
A father comes home from work. His son drops what he is doing, runs to meet him, throws his arms around him, squeezes him tightly and shouts: "Hi dad! Boy, did I ever miss you. Am I ever glad you're home, dad. Gee dad, I missed you!"
That is goodness. As this was being written, I began reflecting: "How was I receiving my Lord and my King at Holy Communion? Was I receiving Him into my heart with a proper written speech of welcome or did I throw my arms around Him and say . . . ? How do I meet Him in reconciliation? In prayer? In others?"
20.5 An example of God's goodness in creative action.
Each time I visit my dentist, he reminds me of these words from Genesis, "God saw all He had made and indeed it was very good." (3) As this devoted person worked on my teeth, he was continually saying, "That's good. Great. Couldn't be better. That looks just fine. There, that's much better. Wonderful."
"God saw all He had made and indeed it was very good."
In such a setting, through this person I felt God's presence as He continued His creative work on me, repairing my teeth to help keep me healthy.
20.6 Right and wrong, the enemy of Goodness.
Having traveled a bit, I wanted to share the pleasures of dining out with the children. So, one Sunday afternoon I took the family out for an expensive dinner at a first class restaurant. This was going to be a treat because they were going to have the very best. Florence and the six children (three beautiful daughters and three handsome sons) resembled a bouquet of spring flowers. The table was well set with its starched linen, silver cutlery and accessories. Eventually, the maitre d' took our orders and a little later the servings began to arrive. Everyone and everything were just beautiful. Then it happened, I started giving orders.
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And it went on and on and on and on. I spent the whole time telling them what they were doing wrong. It got to the point where the children were too terrified to enjoy their meal. This happened many years ago and it still saddens my heart considerably when I remember how I made a good thing such a terrible experience. I promised them the best evening of their short little lives but brutally broke their hearts with my rules and orders. Hearts that God placed in my care to be loved and nurtured were terrorized- all because of MY RULES on what was right and what was wrong. I deprived them from receiving His love and enjoying the delights of His creation through me. I made a good thing a very bad experience in their lives.
What should be done in such circumstances? When that voice in your head, tells you that what you are doing is ok because you are right and the Other is wrong, this is a sure sign that you are in the wrong. This is not the way of the Holy Spirit. Go to that person you so needlessly hurt and ask for his or her forgiveness. Love that person even more and try and make up for the harm you have done. With a renewed concern for his or her welfare and happiness, heal the pain and suffering you caused him or her. Do not be deceived, living by the code of right and wrong is pure poison in any relationship. Let me repeat: LIVING BY THE CODE OF RIGHT AND WRONG IS PURE POISON IN ANY RELATIONSHIP.
With a code like this, you and those around you will suffer terribly. You will answer to your heavenly Father for your actions. How will you explain to Him- why you found it necessary to crush the weak and helpless with your rules? What words of wisdom will you use on Him to justify this abuse of power and authority? What arguments will you present to Him that will explain the necessity for causing them to suffer so? How will you explain breaking their hearts because of your rules on what you saw as right and what you saw as wrong? What cause was so important to you that it was necessary to bring confusion and despair into their hearts? And if they die because of your rules, you will surely die because of His. If they lose hope because of your rules, then surely you will lose hope because of His. What makes all of this even more horrendous is that God made us in His image, in the image of Jesus. Our holy vocation as children of God is to bring LIFE to others, not to paralyze, sterilize, frighten or terrify them. "I have come so that they may have life and have it to the full." (4)
How will you explain to your heavenly Father that you, His child, His ambassador for Love and Life, did emotionally, psychologically, spiritually or mentally hurt and bruised His son or daughter? How will you explain to your heavenly Father that you caused the death of a brother or sister (His Child) because of YOUR rule of right and wrong? The words "right" and "wrong" are not part of our royal vocabulary. Remember, Monarchs in the Kingdom of God give Life; they do not sterilize it or paralyze it nor do they extinguish it. Besides, let us not forget that most of us carry scars from early experiences that affect the way we do things, the way we react to others or to certain situations.
20.7 Personality and character influence.
The following true cases (examples of personality and character traits molded by experiences and environmental influences) should help make this point a lot clearer.
Shirley grew up in a home without a father. She never saw her mother hug or kiss a spouse or show any signs of romance which sweethearts normally have for one another. Because this environment was the only one she knew, quite naturally (without knowing why), when she married, she was not prone to hugging and kissing her spouse, though there wasn't anything she would not do for him. So, he gives her a tongue lashing day after day because she does not know how to act as a loving, romantic wife should. How dare he!
In bewilderment and confusion, Shirley will spend the rest of her married life in fear and heartbreak. Her dream of being married to her Prince Charming and living happily ever after will instead be one lifelong pain, receiving abuse and put downs. She expected love and tenderness but will receive, instead, anger, shouting, loneliness and even physical abuse. All this because he decided that, in such matters, he was right and she was wrong. How will he explain this to His heavenly Father?
One day when Simon was three years old, he ran through the house looking for his mother. Eventually he ran into her bedroom. She was changing clothes and was naked. When she saw him, she screamed at him, "GET OUT OF HERE!"
Startled and terrified, he ran out of the room and waited for her in the hallway. Alone and filled with confusion he wondered, "Why did she do this? What did he do that was so wrong?" Because of this incident, Simon was left with a fixation of his mother and her body. Now married, Simon finds that his wife condemns and criticizes him for his interest in her. Confused about what is happening, his life has now become one long reopening of a very painful wound, a wound he feels but does not see. From the person he expected would be his friend and companion, he now receives criticisms, rejection and heartbreak. All this because she decided that, in such matters, she was right and he was wrong. How will she explain this to her heavenly Father?
Many persons have been hurt like this. Persons who were rejected by their mother while in her womb. Persons who were abused by a father they trusted. Persons who were betrayed, hurt or shamed by their teachers, their pastors, schoolmates, strangers and so on. The journey of life is such that painful experiences along the way are inevitable. Very few of us are able to run this gauntlet without receiving some cutting heartbreaks along the way. Emotionally crippled by these terrible experiences, blinded by what others have done to them, many are later terrorized by their loved ones because of the way they act.
They accuse and punish them for not functioning properly, for being wrong, dumb and stupid. "Through his mouth the godless man is the ruin of his neighbour, but by knowledge the virtuous are safe guarded." (5) Relationships based on right and wrong will never bring happiness to you or to another.
It was of persons such as these that our dear Lord speaks of when he says, "Obstacles are sure to come, but alas for the one who provides them! It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone put around his neck than that he should lead astray a single one of these little ones. Watch yourselves! " (6)
Security and comfort for the abused, lie in taking refuge in the Kingdom of God, where there is love, life, understanding, healing, revitalization, the making of creation anew and a bringing of the Other into full bloom.
What is important for these persons (and we are many) is to embark on a program to find the reasons why we do what we do and to correct the course we were given on the ocean of life. This should take place the very first time we become aware that something is not quite right in our vision or our understanding of life. It should be understood however that not all emotional wounds can be healed. The important thing is to know the kind of scar we have and (now conscious of its existence) to make adjustments to our lifestyle accordingly. Begin by sharing your concerns with a person who has your complete trust and confidence. Whatever counseling you receive (and outside help is needed) one thing is indispensable. Prayer. If you do not know how to pray, in your heart cry and scream to your heavenly Father for His help. Receive the sacraments with all the excitement of a babe finding a mothers nipple for it is here where you will be fed real life and knowledge for, "Neither wisdom, nor prudence, nor advice, can stand in Yahweh's presence." Proverbs 21:30.
The Monarch who governs in the Kingdom of God will ensure that the abused and mistreated will live the rest of their lives loved, nurtured and protected from harm. Their voices will then rise and sing to their heavenly Father in praise and benediction for having brought these Monarchs to their rescue and bringing them back home. Prompts to govern by what is right and what is wrong are not from the Holy Spirit. Slay this dragon before everyone in your realm is destroyed. In the Kingdom of God things are simple. There is no right or wrong. Everything is good. Love and forgiveness take it from there.
20.8 The bottom-line.